Dealing with Really Bad Students, part 2

Hello everyone,

I received the following email:

"... After nine years of teaching, I've realize that you can't break your heart over the child you can't reach. Sometimes, they're just not ready to be receptive. All you can do is give your all, leave doors open for them to change, and try again.

It's frustrating, but it's reality."

The last part, "...give your all, leave doors open for them ..., try again," is key to what I was thinking today.

You really only have one chance to lose someone's trust. You know how it is for yourself. If you share something with someone that is important and personal, and if they abuse that information by sharing it without your permission or devaluing it, you will never trust them again. Never again will you give them any information that you care deeply about (unless you're a glutton for that sort of abuse).

Similarly, if someone comes to you and presses you for information you're not willing to give, you will never likely trust them.

All teachers gain trust by being teachers. I don't mean by being hired to be teachers, or by standing in front of a classroom and calling themselves teachers. You really teach. If your classroom is a place in which the teacher teaches and people learn, your students will come to trust you in the most elemental ways. If you have good classroom control, they will trust you as someone who can make order out of chaos.

If you try to be their buddy or be one of them, if you try to talk like them and use their slang, if you try hard to be cool, then you will not have their trust. Few of us trust someone that tries too hard to gain our trust. We are almost inherently suspicious of someone who seems to be trying to get our trust (we suspect that they want something).

By being professional, you let your students know that you are someone whom they can trust with difficult problems.

As you're being professional, use common courtesies, show normal kindnesses, smile frequently, let them know that you are disciplining behavior not the person (it is especially good for you to say hello outside class to someone you may have disciplined in class)--as you do these things, you "leave the door open" for them to come to you.

Sometimes, when someone is especially bad in class, it may be appropriate and possible to take them into the hall and ask bluntly, "What's going on?" If they don't understand the point of the question, you may say, "You have been misbehaving so much today, I thought that something might be going on to provoke it." Let them tell you. Don't probe for details; just let them talk.

Most of the time, the student will say, "Nothing." Sometimes they will elaborate so far as to say, "I just felt like doing that [misbehaving]." If that is the case, you're left on your own to improvise some agreement so that they don't continue misbehaving.

If they reveal things, you're left to your better judgment how to handle it--keeping in mind your legal obligations with reports of abuse or danger to self or others. Sometimes what is revealed to you may be a legitimate reason for some strong emotion (such as anger). Rather than send them to the deans, you might ask, "Do you need a place to go calm down?" Or, "Do you have someone to talk to about it? You may talk to me if you want to, but if you'd rather, I can let you go somewhere else." (Once again, do not probe; do not insist on being the psychiatrist. Listen if they want to talk to you; send them to someone else if they need it.) If the one they need to talk to is not available, seek a quick, legal compromise and help to make it happen later.

Most of the time, you can negotiate with the student. "Look, I need you to behave. If you're feeling like you're losing control, can we work out a compromise so that I don't have to punish you?" Or, "Can we work out a signal so that I know you're having problems, and I can ease up?" Or, "What can I do to help you control yourself in class without driving you over the edge completely?"

Remember that we're talking about some more extreme problems here. Also remember that, as the email suggests, it may not work.

But sometimes it does. When it does, and when you give a student a chance to get emotion out appropriately, you will begin to notice a change in them.

And once you've proven that you can be trusted, the job becomes much easier.

Jeff Combe